Today one of my girlfriend's told me that her sister's IVF cycle was cancelled because her eggs were immature. That makes me think back to the experiences we had with our 2.5 IVF cycles. Our last cycle was cancelled because my egg donor did not have eggs that would work... although it was devasting news, it was not as tramatic as receiving the news that I could not be pregnant with my own eggs.
I'm not sure if I have just become numb or have done such a good job of just giving it up to Christ to carry for me. My husband made a nice compliment in response to another couple suffering from infertility too: Honey, I know you and _____ will make great moms. I guess they just don't want it (to be parents) enough.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
The Journey
Although it's Spring Break, I feel like the past 3 days have been a blur. I had the opportunity to share my IVF journey with a fellow classmate. It's in the telling that I have realized how far I have grown and how far I have come in dealing with "being infertile". It's such an ugly word, but a word that brings about so much pain.
To ensure things are kosher with the agency in Thailand, I have enlisted the help of a local fertility clinic to monitor me in addition to ensuring the agency in Thailand is legitamate.
In my last post, I mentioned about my thoughts about being a parent and if that was God's plan for us. We have asked God for a sign and I believe we will know of His great intentions for us when we come home from Thailand this summer.
I have often questioned if I am misreading His signs or if I am subliminally just ignoring them. I know that I will being getting some blood work and uteral/vaginal scans next month and them proceeding with a regiment of drugs in May and June to synch my menstrual cycle with my that of my donor's. I think it will be at that time that I will be able to get more excited about this whole process.
To ensure things are kosher with the agency in Thailand, I have enlisted the help of a local fertility clinic to monitor me in addition to ensuring the agency in Thailand is legitamate.
In my last post, I mentioned about my thoughts about being a parent and if that was God's plan for us. We have asked God for a sign and I believe we will know of His great intentions for us when we come home from Thailand this summer.
I have often questioned if I am misreading His signs or if I am subliminally just ignoring them. I know that I will being getting some blood work and uteral/vaginal scans next month and them proceeding with a regiment of drugs in May and June to synch my menstrual cycle with my that of my donor's. I think it will be at that time that I will be able to get more excited about this whole process.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Surreal...
It's taken a while to get this point. Our desire to be parents has been a 9 year journey so far. We tried 2 IVF-ICSI cycles, a few clomid/IUI cycles, my husband has gone through 2 varicocele surgeries, 6 months of Chinese medicine and attempted an IVF cycle using my sister's eggs. The cost is beyond measurable as my husband went through a severe depression, where he was on medication and off from work. I got to a point where I distanced myself from all those whose had children. I buried myself with work and found great comfort in God's love for me.
The last 2 years I have been patiently waiting for my husband to give me the green light with going forward with adoption. Last May, at our church retreat, my husband said yes. I was elated, but I had to save up money for the application process. By the time I did, it was Christmas and I was in a for a rude awakening. It was at this time that I realized that the adoption agency I was planning to work with no longer had ties to Taiwan adoptions. So I was back on the phone contacting adoption agencies.
It was in January that I came to grips with the fact that adoption may not be our best option. We were told to expect the process to take 3-5 years and cost approximately $50 000. Needless to say, my jaw dropped. We have felt many doors slam in our face, this was no exception.
But where God closes a door, a window is opened. My husband's aunt approached us with news of a relative in Vietnam having a successful surrogacy. IVF using a donor egg was not something I agreed to or wanted to even think about 3 years ago when my fertility specialist first presented the idea to me. But now, here I am walking down this path.
We are currently in the process of coordinating with a clinic in Thailand to have the IVF-ICSI procedure done this summer using my husband's sperm and donor eggs. To be honest, I am rather emotionless. I guess there is a part of me that doesn't want to get to invested in the notion of being a parent just yet. I am scared of failure. Not for myself, but more as to what it would mean for my husband. I had a miscarrage after our first IVF procedure, I just can't imagine what another loss would mean to him.
Over the past few years, I have asked myself if I really wanted to be a parent. I have wondered if God's will doesn't include me having my own biological children.
The last 2 years I have been patiently waiting for my husband to give me the green light with going forward with adoption. Last May, at our church retreat, my husband said yes. I was elated, but I had to save up money for the application process. By the time I did, it was Christmas and I was in a for a rude awakening. It was at this time that I realized that the adoption agency I was planning to work with no longer had ties to Taiwan adoptions. So I was back on the phone contacting adoption agencies.
It was in January that I came to grips with the fact that adoption may not be our best option. We were told to expect the process to take 3-5 years and cost approximately $50 000. Needless to say, my jaw dropped. We have felt many doors slam in our face, this was no exception.
But where God closes a door, a window is opened. My husband's aunt approached us with news of a relative in Vietnam having a successful surrogacy. IVF using a donor egg was not something I agreed to or wanted to even think about 3 years ago when my fertility specialist first presented the idea to me. But now, here I am walking down this path.
We are currently in the process of coordinating with a clinic in Thailand to have the IVF-ICSI procedure done this summer using my husband's sperm and donor eggs. To be honest, I am rather emotionless. I guess there is a part of me that doesn't want to get to invested in the notion of being a parent just yet. I am scared of failure. Not for myself, but more as to what it would mean for my husband. I had a miscarrage after our first IVF procedure, I just can't imagine what another loss would mean to him.
Over the past few years, I have asked myself if I really wanted to be a parent. I have wondered if God's will doesn't include me having my own biological children.
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