Surreal...

It's taken a while to get this point. Our desire to be parents has been a 9 year journey so far. We tried 2 IVF-ICSI cycles, a few clomid/IUI cycles, my husband has gone through 2 varicocele surgeries,  6 months of Chinese medicine and attempted an IVF cycle using my sister's eggs.  The cost is beyond measurable as my husband went through a severe depression, where he was on medication and off from work.  I got to a point where I distanced myself from all those whose had children. I buried myself with work and found great comfort in God's love for me.

The last 2 years I have been patiently waiting for my husband to give me the green light with going forward with adoption.  Last May, at our church retreat, my husband said yes.  I was elated, but I had to save up money for the application process. By the time I did, it was Christmas and I was in a for a rude awakening. It was at this time that I realized that the adoption agency I was planning to work with no longer had ties to Taiwan adoptions. So I was back on the phone contacting adoption agencies.

It was in January that I came to grips with the fact that adoption may not be our best option. We were told to expect the process to take 3-5 years and cost approximately $50 000.  Needless to say, my jaw dropped. We have felt many doors slam in our face, this was no exception.

But where God closes a door, a window is opened. My husband's aunt approached us with news of a relative in Vietnam having a successful surrogacy. IVF using a donor egg was not something I agreed to or wanted to even think about 3 years ago when my fertility specialist first presented the idea to me. But now, here I am walking down this path.

We are currently in the process of coordinating with a clinic in Thailand to have the IVF-ICSI procedure done this summer using my husband's sperm and donor eggs. To be honest, I am rather emotionless.  I guess there is a part of me that doesn't want to get to invested in the notion of being a parent just yet.  I am scared of failure.  Not for myself, but more as to what it would mean for my husband.  I had a miscarrage after our first IVF procedure, I just can't imagine what another loss would mean to him.

Over the past few years, I have asked myself if I really wanted to be a parent.  I have wondered if God's will doesn't include me having my own biological children.